My Tribe

My Tribe

by Eden K. Simeon

Loneliness can be difficult to explain. You can feel lonely but not necessarily be alone. Being lonely is a feeling of not connecting with anyone around you. Sometimes, you can be surrounded by people but do not know how to connect with them. I have struggled with this previously. Trying to fit somewhere but not fitting anywhere. It's been unsettling to look for the right outlet to plug into. My childhood was a place of observing others' behavior but not necessarily understanding the behavior. I often tried to imitate the behavior, but it was like trying on a glove that never fit. Masking would prove too difficult for me. The rigidity of my mannerisms would always give me away. I would often get questions like, "Where are your people from? Where are you from? Oh, you not from here." It's like they could sense something about me. I have to say I would agree with them. I never was able to relate to anyone in my family. I was the black sheep, but not in a negative way. I would often strive for education as a way to find freedom from my financial hardships.

Members of my family have displayed addictive behavior patterns. My father battled alcoholism throughout my childhood. He became someone I didn't know when I saw him drink alcohol. He would become physically abusive. It would make me shy away from alcohol for fear of the control it had over its victims. My mother loved to gamble and play music. However, I did pick up addictions of my own to fill the emptiness. It would be binge eating and smoking were my top addictions. When I ate, it would give me a high. I would often hate that full feeling because it meant I couldn't eat anymore. For those brief moments, I was complete. I often planned the next meal before I finished digesting my current meal. At the time, I didn't realize I had undiagnosed ADHD, leading me to be a pleasure seeker.

I used to enjoy reading as a child. I used it as a way to escape. I would visualize the places I would like to go inside of my mind, which was my place of belonging. I would create these beautiful worlds with my imagination, observing the stories as they played out. I would hyperfocus on reading and tune out the outside world I didn't belong to. I avoided social contact as a defense mechanism for fear of rejection. I didn't want to deal with the questions of why I sounded so proper. I'm unsure if it was a conscious decision to tune out the outside world, but it felt better than being on display for people to point out my differences.

I picked up a friend or two in school and was grateful they let me tag along. I have always been a people-pleaser. I would find myself giving anything to feel loved and wanting that connection, even when I saw situations that didn't mean me well. I would stay in relationships, hoping that one day, this person would love me how I deserved. I began to recognize this more and more as I went through my spiritual journey. I was holding other people's opinions of myself above my own. I still find myself doing this as I continue my spiritual awakening process. I have to check in with myself to make sure situations are what I would like to participate in or if I am doing them to please others.

My childhood barriers made me think about my son. My son enjoys railroad crossings more than trains. He enjoys clocks, bells, smoke alarms, and anything that allows him to use his imagination. He is not your typical little seven-year-old. He's very smart and creative. He will play with a screwdriver and a leveler before playing with his toys. He hyper-fixates on certain toys or situations. He has had to deal with many changes in his seven years. His father and I broke up two years ago due to compatibility issues. My son was very close with his father, and we didn't fathom that his father would ever abandon him. It has left him with many unanswered questions. I have tried to explain to him that it's not his fault, but I don't always know how to be emotionally supportive.

Last night, he showed me something he liked, and I felt I must've dismissed him. In that instance, it reminded me of my childhood of not being able to fit in with my family. I don't want to be the place he runs away from. I want to be home for him. I want him to feel like his momma is someone he can be himself. I will not always understand everything, but I want to try. I want him to like what he likes without fear of my rejection. So, we will continue going to the clock, water tower, fire alarm museums, whatever he likes to do.

We are all seeking those people who validate us and give us permission. I think that's why content creation is on the rise. We are all seeking the same thing: people or places to call home. We are looking for our true tribes. To find our tribes, we have to validate ourselves. It's okay to be a little different. Showing up as your authentic self is the only way to find the people who genuinely love you.